All Men Cheat… Or At Least That’s What We’re Told
August 18, 2008 · Print This Article
All Men Cheat, Or At Least That’s What We’re Told
I’ve been cheated on 3 times that I know of. The “cheaters” were immature at the time, and later admitted their transgressions out of guilt and regret. Still, it’s a terrible feeling of helplessness and hopelessness that someone who’s been cheated on is left with.
As I write this, I’m reflecting over watching the sequel, “Three Can Play That Game” on BET. Don’t laugh. It’s actually not as bad as you might think. It follows the same premise as its predecessor, “Two Can Play That Game”, and, has been keeping my attention for the last hour, which has to be a record for me and my tolerance of BET. But that’s another story for another day.
Anyway, in this storyline, the beautiful and intelligent main character, “Tiffany”, catches her very handsome, very successful boyfriend in the act of kissing a female colleague. Tiffany’s best friend comes to her aid, and in her attempt to help her cope, tells her that “all men (are) dogs. You just have to find a loyal one”. In retrospect, I believe that Tiffany’s best friend used that sentence to depersonalize what Tiffany had just experienced. She wanted Tiffany to understand and accept that all men cheat, so it’s not YOU, it’s THEM. And there’s nothing you can do about it, no matter how good of a woman you are. It is in this way that all men get painted with the same brush, regardless of their fidelity track record.
The idea that men can’t be faithful in a relationship is far from a recent discovery. Still, women find the need to obtain other viewpoints about the illusive male monogamy gene. It’s through validation of this idea that women experience the double edged sword of the truth that is convenient for them.
If a woman subscribes to the idea that ALL men cheat, then it is easier for her to have low expectations of her man, because he is SUPPOSED to misbehave. It’s in “his nature”, and no amount of nurturing will change that. So she leaves. But if she stays, and if/when that man proves his woman’s assumptions right, then she has to reconcile the fact that she’s in a relationship with someone who is largely considered to be genetically predisposed to infidelity. So, still, it’s nothing that she can control. I, like many women, have embraced these ideas as a way to guard myself from the heartache associated with infidelity. This way, a woman can escape any (even obvious) blame, depersonalizes what has happened, and instead places that blame on the cheating man. Now, that scorned woman can tell other women that her man cheated, therefore all men cheat, because it happened to her. I wonder if Halle, Lisa Raye, and the many other women who have been cheated on have had those same conversations such as the ones above.
It can be a vicious cycle: Woman thinks man will cheat. Man stays faithful. Woman still accuses him. Man gets fed up and cheats. Woman’s presumptions are validated. The “All Men Cheat” idea becomes true.
Furthermore, this can lead to usually faithful men considering stepping out on their women, due to the fact that they’re expected to do so anyway. Then, the stereotype is fulfilled- women develop trust issues because of bad experiences, and men feel unfairly vilified.
Happy responding!
Hugs and Kisses,
T. Hobbs
WAIT! stop the presses!! am i the only one that didn’t know there was a sequel to two can play that game??? LMAO
So what your saying is (and it’s still early and i haven’t had my tea yet for the morning, so i could be wrong) Women are to blame for men cheating under the premise “if you will it, it will happen” kinda thing?
LOL. Good morning, Bahama.
And not quite. What I’m saying is that women have been so conditioned to believe that all men are cheaters, when of course this isn’t true across the board. Some women aren’t able to personalize their experience, and instead begin to believe that ALL men are incapable of fidelity. Then, those women often will tell other women what “Tiffany’s” best friend told her in the movie. That type of mass generalization creates a cycle and even becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because many men feel like, if she keeps on me about cheating when I know I’m not, I might as well go out and do it. Again, doesn’t happen in every situation, but it’s one of those truths that some women don’t like to admit.
So, no, all women are not responsible for their men cheating. And all men don’t cheat. But we do get back what we put out, so we need to change our thinking.
Thanks for responding and enjoy your tea!
:-)
T. Hobbs
ahh i see i said..i’m sure i said this on another site..lmao 99.9999% of men do cheat. But i’m the kind of chick that will trust you until you can give me something to cause me not too. But i understand the changing of the thought process. And yes my tea was very good thank you,
Bahamas last blog post..Special Edition Why Wednesday I Love Money
Wow! Whats really dope about this entry is it came from a woman. Most women will not admit that the notion that “all me cheat” is something they throw out as a security blanket in case a man does cheat and she has the opportunity to tell the world how horrible of a man he is if he does mess up and cheat. I think if this whole idea is finally nipped in the bud in our society, we will start to see more marriages and ones that last forever. I am one to believe that if you put negative energy in the atmosphere then you will definitely create that reality and this is often why some women fuck themselves and their relationships go sour.
[...] by it, but i am challenging you to defend your point of view. In the comments of the post “All Men Cheat… Or At Least That’s What We’re Told” Bahama said: “99.9999% of men do cheat. But i’m the kind of chick that will trust [...]
Thanks to Bahama for sending me over here…but anyway Im gonna have to say I slightly agree with her. I mean I wouldnt say that 99.999% of men cheat but I will say about 85-90% do. I also think that most women dont head into a relationship thinking that this man is gonna cheat on me so I’d better get prepared, I mean if we did whats the point of being in a relationship? I think that the statement made in the movie was merely made to ease the pain not to exhibit a way of thinking.
Hi Cherish,
Thanks for stopping by! :-)
The statement made in the movie was indicative of how a stereotype is created- that woman was scorned, so she told her friend the only reality that she knew- men are dogs. By doing that, she discouraged any hope in men that ‘Tiffany’ might have had, and a new believer in the “all men are dogs/all men cheat” mantra was born.
If we as women have such low faith in the majority of men to be faithful to us, then we’re allowing ourselves to walk around with a chip on our shoulders that creates paranoia and virtually dooms any chance of developing mutual trust.
I’m definitely a woman who needs to change her thinking/paranoia, but it’s hard because I’ve been so conditioned to believe- REALLY BELIEVE- that all men cheat, which includes any man I’m with.
Sometimes, being suspected/accused of something can be worse than finding out te truth.
Hi Cherish,
Thanks for stopping by! :-)
The statement made in the movie was indicative of how a stereotype is created- that woman was scorned, so she told her friend the only reality that she knew- men are dogs. By doing that, she discouraged any hope in men that ‘Tiffany’ might have had, and a new believer in the “all men are dogs/all men cheat” mantra was born.
If we as women have such low faith in the majority of men to be faithful to us, then we’re allowing ourselves to walk around with a chip on our shoulders that creates paranoia and virtually dooms any chance of developing mutual trust.
I’m definitely a woman who would benefit from changing my thinking, but it’s hard because I’ve been so conditioned to believe- REALLY BELIEVE- that all men cheat, including any one that I’m with.
Sometimes, being suspected/accused of something can be worse than actually finding out the truth.
Anyone agree?
**** listen to Dwele’s “I’m Cheatin”
Shouts to Bahama, she sent me over here (as she did Cherish)..
To start with, I too watched Three Can Play That Game last night, and I didn’t find it to be TOO bad. I mean, Vivica and a few others kinda OVERDID things (very Tyra-ish) but besides that, if you liked Two Can Play That Game, you’ll see yourself sitting through this one until the end too.
With regards to your post, you couldn’t be more on point. The cycle you speak of….”It can be a vicious cycle: Woman thinks man will cheat. Man stays faithful. Woman still accuses him. Man gets fed up and cheats. Woman’s presumptions are validated. The “All Men Cheat” idea becomes true.” …is SOOOO true. Coming from a situation where that HAS happened, it’s sometimes unavoidable (at least in my case). Too many times us men think “Well, if I’m already being accused of doing it….”
But I guess sometimes you just have to stick it out, let your actions; not your words be the determining factor in the end. Because two wrongs do not and never will make a right.
But your blog is hot. Definitely feeling it. Yet another to add to the blog roll. Keep it up, I’ll be reading!!!!
One Tens last blog post..Olympic Love
See I dont really think its paranoia, I look at it as being careful. If women continuously wear our hearts on our shirts, and that heart gets ripped off and thrown to the grown and trampled on 4 times is it wrong for us to guard out heart by making a man prove to us that he wont do to us the wrongs that have already been done. I think trust is something that needs to be earned and I feel that men should be(and usually are) just as weary as women are about giving their heart up completely
It has become a sad situation that now sabotages relationships. It seems that women now a day would rather be right with their so called “gut feeling” than to realize they may have a good man. I don’t agree with the “she keeps accusing me so I mite as well do it line”, because thats bull shit. I have cheated and been cheated on in the past and my reasons for cheating was because I wanted immaturity. I couldn’t blame her for my actions. No I didn’t want to get caught but it didn’t stop me from doing it. Sure a lot of men cheat when they are younger and fear commitment but my reason for cheating was strictly because I felt if she was cheating and I found out it would soften the blow to my heart. Now that im older and have more invested into my lady, cheating is the last thing on my mind. I feel nothing out there is worth destroying what I have at home. Even when my lady accuses me or has “gut feelings”, instead of cheating, I go out of my way to assure her that I’m not. Try that and I’m sure it will work better at getting her trust than actually proving her right. Sure it may be an inconvenience but if she’s worth holding on to than it is a small price to pay for happiness.
Thanks a bunch for the support, One Ten!
And Cherish, I totally understand the need and want to guard one’s heart. And women are wise to do so, which is what makes the idea of giving your heart to someone else so valuable.
I just want the women I speak of to know how much damage they’re doing to themselves and to others when they are hell bent on furthering a stereotype that is so destructive.
But again, thank you for your thoughts! I enjoy reading them!
T.
And it definitely works both ways. I’ve been on the receiving end of accusations and it’s a f***ed up feeling. So I can only imagine how much worse it is for men to almost ALWAYS be subjected to it.
T.
3 things:
1. 99.9 percent of men cheat but ALL women cheat ( please use condoms)
2. The top reason that any of these people cheat is not because there may be a better person out there for them, not because of fear of commitment, not relationship issues, not to intentionally hurt you, but because of pure greed. People are greedy, deal with it.
3. Constantly accusing a grown up of cheating can never force them to cheat. Noone can force you to do what u know is wrong or don’t want to do when you are truly grown.
Wow this is an interesting one… A little contradictive in my opinion. The overall premise of this entry is that women need to basically take more responsibility in their relationships, I.E. cast off the generalization that all men cheat and accept that it happened to them and move on. But then you also give the concept that some men cheat because they are accussed of it so much that they think well “What the hell, why not?”. Problem with this is you can’t give an expectation of self realized responsiblity to one party and right off responsiblity to the other.
Don’t get me wrong I personally find the concept of accussing someone of cheating constantly with no reason or suspicison other than the fact of lack of self-confidence, but there’s no justification for cheating on someone. At least the way I was raised if you are tired or don’t want to deal with someone leave, then do what you want but just because things aren’t working out is not justification for stepping out of a relationship without being honest and ending it.
Also, men and women cheat equally it’s not about gender it’s about the person and some people are prone to cheating for multiple reasons, usually due to a lack of character.
Dub, thanks for speaking your mind. But let me clarify what I wanted this article to pinpoint:
it’s not contradictive- I’m simply higlighting how conditioned women have become to think that “all men cheat”, which starts a cycle that is destructive to women ever being able to have successful, trusting relationships and as a result they badger their men who sometimes, when weak, use their woman’s paranoia as collateral to cheat.
Sadly, women who have been so scorned by men who’ve cheated, go on to spread what they know to be true.
But where there’s one question, there are probably many more, so keep ‘em coming!
its not cheating if you no stay married
Yes, Mike, that is….. brilliant.. I think. lol
Thanks for commenting.