Where is the incentive? | A man’s perspective on cheating.
August 19, 2008 · Print This Article
So Ms. Bahama thinks 99% of all men cheat. Yes, i am calling you out, lol. Don’t mean any harm by it, but i am challenging you to defend your point of view. In the comments of the post “All Men Cheat… Or At Least That’s What We’re Told” Bahama said:
“99.9999% of men do cheat. But i’m the kind of chick that will trust you until you can give me something to cause me not too.”
And obviously, i don’t agree. But, my debate is not so much with the generalizing, and the lack of trust, as i don’t blame her distrust because a lot of men cheat, not all though, and definitely not 99 percent, least not in my opinion. My beef is with the lack of encouragement. The lack of INCENTIVE. Where is the support? Where is the hope? If women lose hope in us men, good or bad, we, as men, all lose our motivation.
Imagine running a race, where no matter how hard you run, how fast you run, you couldn’t win. Imagine competing just for shits and giggles, and even if you won, you didn’t win. That is the life of a man in 2008. Not for all, because all women don’t feel that all men cheat. I don’t want to be guilty of generalizing, which is what im combating in this very post.
If from the get go, i am expected to fail, where is the incentive to succeed? Where is my support, my cheering section, my motivation to stay monogamous? To remain faithful if every attempt made is overlooked? Since the beginning of time, the woman has been man’s backbone, we we’re made to be each other’s support, and the balance of life (i feel) has been thrown off due to the very fact that we cant seem to coexist. One moment “N!gg@s aint shit” and then the next “Bitches aint shit.” Dammit, who is shit? Leave it up to all of us NO ONE IS, lol.
Let me interject, I HAVE CHEATED, and now that i got that off my chest, we can continue. I cheated, and hurt myself i think worse than i hurt her. My hurt was not simply personal hurt, my hurt was pain from having hurt someone innocent, who didn’t deserve to be. I admitted my fault, having been in no danger of being found out, i just knew that i had wronged her and my conscience wouldn’t let me move too far past it. She meant the world to me and i hurt her, i should die for that.
But having been through it, and being at a place where i am trying to make good on my past, to re-prove myself to both myself and her, and to God most importantly, that i am capable of protecting the heart given to me to hold, i now see that past me as… the past me. Hind sight is 20/20 and although i wear glasses sitting here in front of this computer screen, looking back in my past i need no assistance, my vision is clear. I fucked up, along with a lot of other men, but not all.
Now if you, her, women everywhere, where to give up, on me, him, all of us, what incentive would we have to change. She didnt give up on me, and still hasn’t, which doesn’t guarantee success, but what it does guarantee is a continued commitment from me to strive to repair my past, and re-form our future. And for those of us who have never cheated? They suffer twice. They first suffer the punishment only really due to the guilty, which makes them guilty by association, and secondly they suffer from lack of encouragement, which just might push them to act in such a way as to ‘fulfill’ YOUR self-fulfilling prophesy…. get over it. SUPPORT MEN EVERYWHERE! you never know, he might just start supporting you too… thats called a relationship.
Oh lawd..i read the first sentence and can’t stop laughing!!!! it’s too early!!!
Let me see if I can compose my self long enough to make a point. I can’t speak for all women and I do know not all men cheat (hence the ONE percent,lol) but my experiance and friends experiances have showed me a good amount of men do cheat. And for some reason it’s kind of etched in a woman’s mind that if dude is working late or cancel dates (or whatever “lie” or “truth” ) for some reason our mind automatically goes to is he cheating on me? I’m almost certain you ask any female who’s been in that postion, that thought has crossed her mind. It could be the cynical in me but until i’m proven wrong I will think 99.9999% of men cheat. The incentive should be for men (and you should want the task) to be prove to me..women, us that you can be faithful. And i’m not saying I don’t think you can’t be faithful i’ve seen a few that can, I know it’s possible.
And in this time, right now I think for most men the motivation is already gone. Marriages aren’t taken seriously, love is getting jaded.People on both sides are bitter.But I think there is still hope, that bad can outweight the good.And I havent and know other women that haven’t given up on men, yet. And this whole self fulling prophecy is a bunch of crap! It’s just another excuse for men to do what they want and blame women.
The self fulfilling prophesy isnt an attempt to blame women. If SOMEONE cheats, male or female, he/she is to blame, but, in the very sense of the phrase, you can push someone to do act out. Which again doesnt make it right, it doesnt excuse that behavior, but, it would help if there was that support.
I dont care who you are, we all want and need someone in our corner rooting for the home team. No different than someone holding your hand in a tense situation, or holding you when you cry. Im just saying, maybe more men would take the responsibility they already SHOULD and step up to the plate if more Women would quit with the “all men cheat.” Lets spread positivity, hope, positive reinforcement, no more negative. how about we support each other? How about the men do their part and stay faithful, as do the women, and how about the women be of good support to our black men (men period)…. we are all one in the same. we all need each other, lets build rather than continue to tear down and perpetuate the same old bullshit by generalizing… thats all im saying
Okay so would it be better if we say most men cheat? I mean really let’s face facts a good amount of men cheat for whatever reason. There is no denying that right?
But I agree it does help having someone in your corner but who says we aren’t? Like I said I’m the kind of person that will trust you until you show me I can’t. And I think that’s how every relationship should work.
Bahamas last blog post..Cheaters Never Prosper
iono bammy, i don’t believe allllllll men cheat, (gawd she gon kill me for not being on her side) lol women cheat too, i think you have to look @ the situation tho some ppl cheat just cause they can’t keep they shit in they pants, others, iono might really feel the other person while they in a relationship with they mate, i just think it’s a lil more complex sometimes all situations and ppl different…the end lol
My question is how long do you expect a woman to support you if you arent trying to do anything for yourself? I mean in my past relationship I was the perfect woman(in my eyes). I mean I worked, cooked, cleaned and held the household down while my partner sat on his ass because he didnt have a job. And while I was at work, I was online applying for jobs for him, and sending him out on interviews, I stuck with him through all his tough times, but I began growing distant because I was just getting tired and then I found out he cheated on me. Now why u may ask? He said he cheated on me because he thought i was cheating on him. what kind of lame excuse is that? I mean really you have got to be kidding me. I was doing so much I never had time to think about cheating. Now dont get me wrong I agree wit chrissy that women cheat too but i think women cheat a lot less often than men because most women have this fairytale dream that they are trying to achieve so they are willing to stick it out with one man and see if they can get there. And you ask whats the incentive to a man not cheating well my question now becomes whats the incentive for a woman being supportive if you never see that light at the end of the tunnel
I’ll start off by saying this…
I DON’T believe 99% of men cheat….68% um yeah more like it…but I do believe 99% have thought about it.
I totally agree with you Fresh…the majority of us women have forgot about encouraging our men. Our minds have been conditioned to keep the mindset of being Independent that we’ve strayed away from our brothers who NEED encouragement. But it’s not all our fault…many of us have been scorned by MEN whom we’ve been LOYAL to…& in all our efforts to be honest they’ve turned their backs on us…in a single moment of curiosity or lust if you will…Our men get so caught up in ‘the moment’ that they tend to forget to think rationally…they forget what they have…& most importantly what they could loose.
We’re all human, we all have faults & we all get weak…That’s why I for one believe in initiating the incentive to encourage…& more importantly forgive…And it does take effort…It’ll always be a work in progress & it’s up to MEN & WOMEN to meet each other half way!!!
Kudos!!!!! Great Post =)
Thank you Odara…
It takes commitment on both sides. Its NEVER a one sided issue as with anything relationship wise.
In my dealings i will always strive to be my best, but being human i mess up sometimes, which is more a realization and less an insurance policy to fuck up. At this moment i am trying to repair what i was skewed long ago, and believe i am doing a great job. But that doesnt always mean its gonna work.
It hurts just that much more when i hear that all mean cheat, knowing i am have cheated, but knowing i am not a CHEATER. my apologies to all who have been cheated on, male or female, i have both been the cheated and the cheater and neither feels good. How about we all make a conscious effort to stay right, its a responsibility due both male and female.
I’m definitely in agreeance with Bahama in respect to saying that I try to give a new man in my life the benefit of the doubt before I go off lumping him in the same category as all the other douche bags of the past. I give you the string… eventually… if you ain’t about shit, you’ll hang yourself. But if you’re a good dude, then you’ll reel yourself in and enjoy the ride.
Although I don’t agreement with the stat that 99.9999% cheat, I do believe that the numbers are extremely high. But I don’t fault men completely as I used to in the past. Women have become so passive lately and we settle now more than ever, that we allow this crap to happen. We’re so stuck on the ratios of our cities being ridiculously high that we settle for the dip shits that come our way. Even when the red flags are flying dead in our faces.
Here in Atlanta, it’s a fact that the number of men to women is around 10 women to every one man. Which is one of the reasons why I know far too many chicks that mess with married men or men with girlfriends because the pickings are slim. But as with anyone… that person will only do what you allow them to do. Women need to start standing up. And taking a pot of hot grits to dat ass when some shit go down. Maybe all this cheatin will stop!!!
How ’bout dat!!!!
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I’ve read everyone’s comments and I agree with all, with the exception of the 99.9999% of men cheat. i have myself been cheated on, and have done the cheating too. I think that women are more proned to jump to the conclusion that their man is cheating, because more often then not, that’s usually the case. But in defense of the men, there are some women out there that don’t give their man a REASON, or as Fresh put it, an INCENTIVE to be faitlful. that means, she’s not doing her part as the WOMAN in the relationsip. and the same goes for a man. Men, you have to do your part too. and ladies, let your man be just that, A MAN!!! In theory, if everything is taken care of at home, then there is no reason to stray, right? WRONG!!! that’s what we’re taught to believe, but life has taught us that’s not always the case. Shit happens. Life happens. And in keeping true to my gender, no woman wants to continue to support a man that doesn’t want to better himself, whether it be emotionally, financially, physically, etc. there’s only so much encouragement a person can give. Just as much as men want and need the encourgagement, we women need that too. just maybe not as frequent and you brothas! ;-) But i always have this outlook, if you’re gonna cheat, then why been in a relationship? if you just remained single, you can do what and who you feel and not have to worry about how someone else is gonna feel.
yo i fell you i had the same thing happend to me. some dudes have no back bone , instead of telling you how they feel they play with you heart and then when they get caught they act lilke they dont care. but if i find somebody that i like and i want trust and belive that your ass is to the crub. its the truth and nothing but the truth for me.
I would like to toss an idea out to everyone. Is there ever a situation where cheating is acceptable? And, how do we define cheating? Is cheating something that is dependent on the act itself, or the feelings involved? Is cheating something that is forgivable?
In my own opinion, I do think that there are circumstances in the real world that would allow cheating to be acceptable. I would define cheating as something that is deceptive, that involves some form of emotional response whether it be a reaction to being cheated on, severely hurt, or realizing this may be a person you would choose over the person you have been with. I believe that men cheat more than women because they can and they do not feel such a personal attatchment necessarily to what happens while they cheat. But there are plenty of women out there who have done the same and I think they are less likely to come forward and admit it. Women label men cheaters just as men label cheating women sluts. Nothing in this world will ever be fair, but there are reasons behind everything as well. I often question what is “right?” If you act on what you feel is right for you, are you wrong in what you chose to do? I feel that in most all relationships, there is a rocky point that shakes the foundation. I have always discarded the idea that if someone cheats, they deserve to be punished for the action. I think cheating is a clear result of something and it’s not always obvious to their partner or even linked to their partner. It’s more important to look at why it happened and not the act itself. Humans are naturally prone to acting on selfish impulses and instincts and the “right” behavior is one that is learned and acquired through society. If cheating is something that is deceptive and kept in the underground, why is it so many people are subject to it…with the vast majority of people doing it or being subject to it, I wonder if it is not a learned behavior afterall…