What DO women really want?
October 20, 2008
I was talking to one of my boys yesterday, a conversation men frequently have, about what women really want when it comes to men. Ironically i was blog surfing today and ran across What Do You Really Want In A Man? over at The World As I See It. The author, Terry Marsh said this in the second paragraph (go here and scroll down to “What do women really want in a man,” sept 16th posting date):
But my feeling is, don’t complain about the lack of “good” men, when you’ve only been looking for “bad boys”. There are plenty of “good” men out here who don’t have a clue what women are looking for. So, I ask…
And my thoughts are generally the same, dont ask for a good man when all you really want is the bad boy. But, i also recognize another problem. When the women i have dealt with have realize they are dealing with one of the “good” men, they have problematically mistaken “good” for “perfect” having called me the perfect guy. But, when i have fallen short of that, as any human would, i turned into the “one that wasnt supposed to hurt me.”
Having been mistaken for perfect is defeat before failure. I, as a human, being am entitled to make mistakes, solely because i am human, and we are NOT perfect. But what i feel is my strongest quality, which makes me closer to perfect is the fact that i actually TRY to be perfect, even knowing i wont attain such a goal, and am more than willing to accept responsibility for my mistakes and change them.
And as for the women, who constantly complain that their are no good men, or to the ones who turn good men into perfect failures, figure out exactly what you want, before there really are NO good men left. The disappointment only turns good men bad.
The Other Woman
August 28, 2008
*This is Part 2 to “All Men Cheat, Or At Least That’s What We’re
Told…”*
“Tiffany, you just hate women”, he said to me after I’d accused the chick of flirting with him. Well, damn. I wouldn’t say I “hate” all women. That’s a bit harsh. I just don’t like the majority of the women I come into contact with. Furthermore, I have a problem with a CERTAIN type of woman and I don’t know if that woman over there is going to fall into that category.
It hasn’t always been this way. I used to have no problems with women.
But experiences change things, and now, I don’t trust women for what many have become, which is a threat to my relationship.There are increased numbers of women who have anxiously settled into the position of being the “other woman”, and it makes it difficult for us self-respecting ladies to co-exist with them on a daily basis. When did the prospect of being the “other woman” become more important than striving to have healthy relationships of their own? How can women be so destructive but unapolegetic about the damage they are causing to the sanctity of relationships?
Before you may label me, I’m not a “hater”. I despise the word as I feel that it’s used in a very immature and juvenile context, which is not how I want you, my readers, to consider me. Instead, I have come to the realization that the “other woman” has become a glamorized depiction of betrayal and conquest (Angelina ring a bell?). Yes, it has a lot to do with the movies, magazines, videos, blah blah blah. We know that already. We all see mistresses becoming famous, writing tell-all books, and being given air-time to seemingly brag about what they’ve done to another person’s life. It’s not a secret. My issue is with those women who don’t have the wherewithall to differentiate between fantasy and the cold, hard truth. The women other women are around at work and in their daily activities. The women who want YOUR man.
Through wanting to please men and beat the competition, women have become each other’s own worst enemy as they strive to get a man, even YOUR man, by any means possible.
I see young women, older women, walking down streets, shopping in grocery stores, hanging out in groups, at my bowling night, after school picking up their children- all semi-clothed in outfits that barely cover their butts, boobs, and booming desperation. They’re covered by a fabric of self-pity that does nothing to mask their desire for attention and validation. And they’d just as soon smile in your face yet flirt with your man as soon as you turn your back. And the girlfriends and wives never know, which only adds fuel to that fire.
I see women who have male friends or co-workers and unabashedly put down the mens’ girlfriends or wives to make themselves look like the better
woman- “your girl doesn’t like to (feel in the blank)? What is she thinking? She must not know what she’s got….”. If you haven’t been the perpetrator, you’ve definitely been the victim.
I see women, so starved for male admiration, that they’ll do just about anything to get it. They’ll come around men who are “taken” and act inappropriately in hopes that maybe, just maybe, one of those men will turn their glance her way and she will have taken someone’s man and increased her struggling self-confidence. Trust me, it happens often.
Again, if you haven’t been the perpetrator, please believe you’ve been the victim.
And I see women who are very comfortable being the “h_e”, and will do anything and everything to let it be known to the men nearby, regardless of those mens’ relationship status. Groupies, anyone?
Many women are so focused on getting a man or his attention that they’ll backstab other women just to meet their goals, affecting relationships in the process. Due to this desperation, women don’t want to, and can not, comfortably relax with their men when they’re around other women.
Still, because we’re not psychic, women can’t often accurately differentiate between a woman with ill-intentions and a woman who respects herself enough not to compromise her integrity. So, to prevent any accidents from happening, we guard ourselves and closely monitor women to make sure they don’t prove our suspicions right. That paranoia is causing many women, including myself, to feel uncomfortable in the presence of women when I’m with my man. Maybe he’s too handsome. Or maybe he’s just a man with a pulse and that makes him fair game. I don’t know. But I do know that women never know when a woman who would be happy to be the “other woman” is lurking in the shadows. The allure of being the ”other woman” has the power to blind those women to how pathetic they are, and we realize that and often point it out to our men, who become annoyed, and with reason. What our men don’t understand is how hard we hope, wish and pray that they are strong enough to combat such a frivolous proposition if offered.
It’s not always due to a woman’s insecurity. No matter how secure a woman may be in herself or her relationship, she never fully knows if her man will be able to withstand the power of a woman who wants to be the chick-on-the-side. And with these types of women increasing in quantity everyday, respectable women are being outnumbered, and some men fall victim to their no-strings-attached idealogies. As a result, once normal, trusting women have become distrustful and cautious, which often comes off as bitchy and insecure. Thus, a cycle is created.
It shouldn’t be like this.
A woman should not be concerned with questioning if another woman is attempting to steal her man. We should be able to go out with our dates, boyfriends or husbands without feeling like we’ve entered a competiton to secure an endangered species. Until women stop lusting after taken men and subjecting themselves to the demeaning “other woman” status, relationships will continue to be threatened, and women will be pitted against each other. And I will always give a mean side-eye to the chick across the way who’s staring a bit too hard in my man’s
direction. She better recognize.
Hugs and Kisses,
T. Hobbs
Where is the incentive? | A man’s perspective on cheating.
August 19, 2008
So Ms. Bahama thinks 99% of all men cheat. Yes, i am calling you out, lol. Don’t mean any harm by it, but i am challenging you to defend your point of view. In the comments of the post “All Men Cheat… Or At Least That’s What We’re Told” Bahama said:
“99.9999% of men do cheat. But i’m the kind of chick that will trust you until you can give me something to cause me not too.”
And obviously, i don’t agree. But, my debate is not so much with the generalizing, and the lack of trust, as i don’t blame her distrust because a lot of men cheat, not all though, and definitely not 99 percent, least not in my opinion. My beef is with the lack of encouragement. The lack of INCENTIVE. Where is the support? Where is the hope? If women lose hope in us men, good or bad, we, as men, all lose our motivation.
Imagine running a race, where no matter how hard you run, how fast you run, you couldn’t win. Imagine competing just for shits and giggles, and even if you won, you didn’t win. That is the life of a man in 2008. Not for all, because all women don’t feel that all men cheat. I don’t want to be guilty of generalizing, which is what im combating in this very post.
If from the get go, i am expected to fail, where is the incentive to succeed? Where is my support, my cheering section, my motivation to stay monogamous? To remain faithful if every attempt made is overlooked? Since the beginning of time, the woman has been man’s backbone, we we’re made to be each other’s support, and the balance of life (i feel) has been thrown off due to the very fact that we cant seem to coexist. One moment “N!gg@s aint shit” and then the next “Bitches aint shit.” Dammit, who is shit? Leave it up to all of us NO ONE IS, lol.
Let me interject, I HAVE CHEATED, and now that i got that off my chest, we can continue. I cheated, and hurt myself i think worse than i hurt her. My hurt was not simply personal hurt, my hurt was pain from having hurt someone innocent, who didn’t deserve to be. I admitted my fault, having been in no danger of being found out, i just knew that i had wronged her and my conscience wouldn’t let me move too far past it. She meant the world to me and i hurt her, i should die for that.
But having been through it, and being at a place where i am trying to make good on my past, to re-prove myself to both myself and her, and to God most importantly, that i am capable of protecting the heart given to me to hold, i now see that past me as… the past me. Hind sight is 20/20 and although i wear glasses sitting here in front of this computer screen, looking back in my past i need no assistance, my vision is clear. I fucked up, along with a lot of other men, but not all.
Now if you, her, women everywhere, where to give up, on me, him, all of us, what incentive would we have to change. She didnt give up on me, and still hasn’t, which doesn’t guarantee success, but what it does guarantee is a continued commitment from me to strive to repair my past, and re-form our future. And for those of us who have never cheated? They suffer twice. They first suffer the punishment only really due to the guilty, which makes them guilty by association, and secondly they suffer from lack of encouragement, which just might push them to act in such a way as to ‘fulfill’ YOUR self-fulfilling prophesy…. get over it. SUPPORT MEN EVERYWHERE! you never know, he might just start supporting you too… thats called a relationship.
All Men Cheat… Or At Least That’s What We’re Told
August 18, 2008
All Men Cheat, Or At Least That’s What We’re Told
I’ve been cheated on 3 times that I know of. The “cheaters” were immature at the time, and later admitted their transgressions out of guilt and regret. Still, it’s a terrible feeling of helplessness and hopelessness that someone who’s been cheated on is left with.
As I write this, I’m reflecting over watching the sequel, “Three Can Play That Game” on BET. Don’t laugh. It’s actually not as bad as you might think. It follows the same premise as its predecessor, “Two Can Play That Game”, and, has been keeping my attention for the last hour, which has to be a record for me and my tolerance of BET. But that’s another story for another day.
Anyway, in this storyline, the beautiful and intelligent main character, “Tiffany”, catches her very handsome, very successful boyfriend in the act of kissing a female colleague. Tiffany’s best friend comes to her aid, and in her attempt to help her cope, tells her that “all men (are) dogs. You just have to find a loyal one”. In retrospect, I believe that Tiffany’s best friend used that sentence to depersonalize what Tiffany had just experienced. She wanted Tiffany to understand and accept that all men cheat, so it’s not YOU, it’s THEM. And there’s nothing you can do about it, no matter how good of a woman you are. It is in this way that all men get painted with the same brush, regardless of their fidelity track record.
The idea that men can’t be faithful in a relationship is far from a recent discovery. Still, women find the need to obtain other viewpoints about the illusive male monogamy gene. It’s through validation of this idea that women experience the double edged sword of the truth that is convenient for them.
If a woman subscribes to the idea that ALL men cheat, then it is easier for her to have low expectations of her man, because he is SUPPOSED to misbehave. It’s in “his nature”, and no amount of nurturing will change that. So she leaves. But if she stays, and if/when that man proves his woman’s assumptions right, then she has to reconcile the fact that she’s in a relationship with someone who is largely considered to be genetically predisposed to infidelity. So, still, it’s nothing that she can control. I, like many women, have embraced these ideas as a way to guard myself from the heartache associated with infidelity. This way, a woman can escape any (even obvious) blame, depersonalizes what has happened, and instead places that blame on the cheating man. Now, that scorned woman can tell other women that her man cheated, therefore all men cheat, because it happened to her. I wonder if Halle, Lisa Raye, and the many other women who have been cheated on have had those same conversations such as the ones above.
It can be a vicious cycle: Woman thinks man will cheat. Man stays faithful. Woman still accuses him. Man gets fed up and cheats. Woman’s presumptions are validated. The “All Men Cheat” idea becomes true.
Furthermore, this can lead to usually faithful men considering stepping out on their women, due to the fact that they’re expected to do so anyway. Then, the stereotype is fulfilled- women develop trust issues because of bad experiences, and men feel unfairly vilified.
Happy responding!
Hugs and Kisses,
T. Hobbs
The New and Improved Marriage
August 18, 2008
The New and Improved Marriage?
By Ms. Kris - The Integration of T & A
 |
Good morning. Today we will revisit an interview Will Smith gave to UK tabloid Now magazine back in early July 2008 where he discusses his open marriage to wife Jada Pinkett-Smith. According to the tabloid, Will Smith had this to say regarding being upfront and honest about his get down rather than creeping and lying about it:
“Will Smith reckons it’s healthy to fancy other people when you’re married and has no qualms telling his wife when he does.
The actor – who tied the knot with Jada Pinkett Smith 11 years ago – is determined to be honest about how he feels.
‘Our perspective is, you don’t avoid what’s natural and you’re going to be attracted to people,’ Will explains.
‘So sometimes we have the discussion: “Wow, this or that girl is freaking gorgeous”. I’m not going to say anything to my buddies that’s any different than what I say to my wife.’
And Will, 39, reckons he’ll tell Jada - and she’ll tell him - if they ever find they can’t resist their desire.
‘If it came down to it, then one would say to the other: “Look, I need to have sex with somebody. Now I’m not going to do it if you don’t approve of it,”’ he says.
‘In our marriage vows, we didn’t say “forsaking all others”. We said, “You will never hear I did something afterwards”. Because if that happens, the relationship is destroyed.’
But Will’s not sure what he’d do if one day Jada, 38, confides that she does want to take a lover.
‘I don’t know how I’d feel,’ he confesses. ‘But I know I would react better than if I found out about it afterwards.’”
I respect the fact that he and his wife sat down prior to marrying, it seems, and had a serious discussion about what they would need in order to be married forever. I actually like that. No, not the specific terms of their marriage, but the fact that two people looked at the state of marriage and divorce in this country and injected some much needed realness and honesty into the equation. Marriage is a beautiful concept, but expecting every person on the planet to comply with the exact same rules is just unrealistic. I think more people should stop kidding themselves by trying to have this fairytale situation they know is not really them, and be real about their life. I’m not suggesting that marriage should now involve being intimate with other people specifically, just that people need to be real with themselves and their mate and have the balls to say, “Hey, you know what, this is how I get down” and feel accepted. If you are marrying someone who does not know the real you, you are not making sense. Think about it, you pay all this money for a wedding, get in there and swear up and down the church walls in front of God and everybody and his brother that you are going to do something forever that you know damn well you will not. Hell, what exactly are “irreconcilable differences” anyway?
While every relationship is unique, I’m wondering what it will take to make the whole concept of marriage more doable and lasting. I mean, is this the New and Improved Marriage? I wonder if it will ultimately come down to this given the fact that many marriages fail due to infidelity, or more specifically, creeping and lying. I need to hear from my people on this one. Would marriage work better if couples defined their own terms and perhaps excluded the whole “forsaking all others” clause? Thoughts?
Link to the article:
http://www.nowmagazine.co.uk/celebrity-news/265795/will-smith-i-ll-tell-my-wife-if-i-need-to-have-sex-with-someone-else/1/
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